Growing old together

A waltz with the government officials: That was what my day's schedule was screaming out loud at me.

I was apprehensive. But helpless as I was, I geared up to do the unavoidable.

I was given a token and was asked to await my turn. 

In the packed to the corner room full of people awaiting their turn I found myself a seat after searching for a while.

I sat besides a very dignified looking old couple. 

I was most apologetic to disturb them as I made my way to the vacant seat but they smiled most kindly at me.

Much to my distress they were quite amused at my clumsiness.

The old lady asked me, if this was my first time. An affirmative. I told her this was my first indeed. She said theirs is a fourth time renewal. I was quite intrigued.

They are veterans, eh! Not just of life but of so much more than that: handling government officials!

Respect.

The lady continued to talk to me, in impeccable English, though she too is a Bengali.

She asked me about myself, my qualification, if I have ever been abroad.

She told me about herself, her children's over accomplishment, followed by those of her grandchildren's! 

Quite frankly, I did not care about her family.

I was by far most humbled by her own self to really care about anything beyond her and her husband.

Such a dignified old couple.

In this sea of people they knew they were not alone. 

The old spouse.

They were sometimes talking to each other, helping each other with dialing a number on a fairly updated cell-phone.

The muted undertone of love, quiet understanding, and faith that was radiating from them was almost tangible.

I, with my shaken belief in all things related to the heart, sat there in amazement. 

Gazing at them I could feel something in me rejuvenating. Quietly being fortified.

I realised I was being far too dreamy to really pay attention to what the kind lady was telling me.

It turned out that in a span of barely 15 minutes she was sharing with me where in the world she has been to.

England, the USA, most parts of Europe, you name it.

What struck me though was something very unusual that came from her.

"There's one place I really want to go to," she said with a bright twinkle in her bespectacled eyes.

 "Israel."

"I have never been to Israel and now that I am so old, I might not live to go see Israel".

I told her that she is still strong, and has warm desire in her heart, she can surely try and give it a shot.

She smiled back warmly at me. Knowingly.

Then came the man who was accompanying them, to do their paper-work.

It was their turn. 

The old couple helped each other get up and they slowly walked down the aisle to the array of counters.

The warm smile they passed at me before leaving, I shall never forget.

It was a smile of hope.

Of selfless love and good wishes.

I know I shall never see them again. But their smiling, loving faces will forever remain with me.

As a reminder of all that is good in this world.

Yes, despite what most people tell me everyday, I know my faith in selfless love and inherent goodness of human being stands reinstated.

Lesson learnt: Growing old together is probably the best thing on this planet

Also I learnt, a trip to a government office is not always a bad thing!

Suljha denge uljhe rishton ka manjha

Tonight I write after a very long break

The reason

 I was reminded very recently, "No better ink for your pen than real pain"

No I am not drowning in pain

I write tonight to let the overflowing stream of thoughts to finally trickle out

This is a unique phase in my life

Done with my degree

What have I learnt from my 2 years of Delhi School of Economics?

Economics, yes

But much more than just that

I have learnt how to cope with failure

At every step of my post graduation, I have faced failure

Failure shamelessly stood in front of me

Academic career, professional career and personal alike

I have failed

Time and again

But I have fought

Lost a few battles, but in the end won the war

"jeet kabhi, haar kabhi/
gham to yaaro honge do pal k mehmaan"

Fighting each day, with the biggest of my fears: the fear of failure, I trudged along

And finally I completed the journey

I have changed

I am not afraid of failure anymore

I have fought with failure for too long to really be afraid of it anymore

If failure laughs at me, I have learnt to get up and laugh back

Silently in my laughter echoes the determination in me to overcome

Be it the fight to score higher or get a good job, I lost out to failure many times

But in the end I did not let failure win

Yes, both academically and professionally I have won

But still remains a bigger war

The personal front is strewn with failure too

And I have lost far too many battles on this front

But this is a war that spans a whole lifetime

One cannot say if failure will have the final laughter or not

But now when I relive the memories in my mind I know I fight harder every time

I am a warrior

I know all my life I will wage this war

When I drive down the road where I first held hands, or go for swimming in the pool where I first spent entire evenings dreaming of a rosy future or take a bus ride alone in the city looking outside the window like the I first time when smiled at the sky glowing with warmth and happiness, I feel like a different person

I relive memories, but I am a voyeur in my head, an eavesdropper to my old conversations

I tell failure, "Test me as much as you like, but know I will only grow stronger each time"

I have made mistakes

I have learnt from them and struck back harder

The first time I disgraced myself by being weak willed

But I learnt

Learnt what a graceful exit means

Learnt the importance of dignity

Learnt how to not break promises

Learnt how to remain silent

Learnt to tell the truth

Learnt to be brutally honest

Learnt to let go

Every time a new piece of knowledge helped me fight failure better

But yet again, I failed

"There is a lot more to learn", says failure to me, "I will teach you. Be patient."

I am patient

Because I know, failure, now my teacher, will not fail me.

Together

"Suljha denge, uljhe rishto ka manjha"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLmx0PuCERM

Identify, do you?

Well,

finally the time has come to snicker at jaundice and move back to the hostel.

it's a happy happy feeling.

2 weeks of uninterrupted formal education left.

monday onwards must get back to college to attend the last 2 weeks.

went to college yesterday. there was a documentary screening for one of my courses: Economics of Discrimination.

The documentary dealt with Caste Discrimination in India.

A few things were nothing new to me, a few things were shocking, but the rest of it taught me a lot. A lot more than I had bargained for.

It changed my mind to the extent that I have become very pessimistic about the whole issue. For me it is almost like we are stuck in a rut that can never change. We are stagnating.

In my urban upbringing i have been exposed to a lot of religious variety.

I am born in a Hindu family. I went to Christian convent schools. I practise Buddhism and well, I have a Muslim boyfriend. It's religious riot in my life.

Riot because I am an Indian and religion has far reaching influence in shaping people's personalities.

I kind of realised that I'm in for trouble. BIG time!

My upbringing has been such that I have nothing common with the people around me in terms of my views, my ideals, and more importantly my exposure.

But don't I identify with people?

It is the problem of plenty.

I identify with too many people, in small bits.

In the end I don't identify with anybody sufficiently enough.

And hence I stand in this mess, all by myself.

Carving out my unique identity each day, which pushes me farther away from the sea of people that I marginally identify with.

Alone and yes, a bit lonely

Ups and downs are but a part of life.

Ill-health features sometimes in it too.

Like bad weather, bad mood, falling sick is unavoidable too.

I am down with jaundice right now. Yes, all yellow :-/

Nothing that I am particularly enjoying.

But introspection has been my key occupation while I study bit by bit for my exam in this while.

Understanding a few old ties, unmasking a few old feelings locked far away in some dark corner, undoing a few old mistakes..it's all been rejuvenating.

As the jaundiced body overcomes its illness, the fatigued mind learns a lot, tries to overcome its failings, insecurities.

But overcoming the insecurities is the most difficult task of them all.

It challenges the status-quo of the mind, the mind which refuses to let go of the hurt and the lessons learnt wrong. 

Your insecurities mirror but the deepest fears that you have, the chains that bind you so hard, so deep that you don't consider them alien to yourself.

Breaking those shackles are difficult but definitely not impossible. Perseverance and patience are the orders of the day.

Every single day I face my deepest fears, staying put in the limits of the four walls, away from my hostel room, away from the smiling assuring faces of the friends who are more than my sisters now.

Yes, I face them by myself, away from parents, family, friends. I face them ALONE.

This is the first time I could really understand the profoundness of my pet dialogue "Alone, but never lonely!"

Because this is the first time, I am alone as well as lonely.

No I have lots of people around me, but the ones that I look for are not near, are not close-by.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder, they say, but doesn't distance also tear you apart?

Today my boy friend came down to visit me, it was lovely to see him after 2 weeks. yeah, 2 weeks, that's right!

It's a new love, the fire is there, the warmth most welcoming, but the insecurities lurk too, they newness of it all along with the distance hinders communication at some level.

Insecurities along with ego and hindered communication can flare up some undesired emotions, some unfinished fights..but isn't overcoming all of that a part of the introspection and rejuvenation of the self that I am undergoing?

But seriously, looking all so yellow is not doing any good to my insecurity overcoming agenda, it's hard work.

Fighting the negativity, as I wake up every morning.

Being the cheerful self that seems too far fetched at this time, yes it is hard work. Counting days of my captivity in the confines of my room while I recover from this illness.

Yet I strive on. Put a smile on that face each day with no hopes of really going anywhere. Comb my hair, because it is what I am expected to do right now.

I don't feel like doing any of the things that my normal self wants more than gladly to do. Spending hours in front of that full-length mirror in my hostel room was definitely one of them! But right now, it's a painful routine that I am merely "following" not really "doing" what I do.

I miss every little bit of my "daily" life. It is simple and I never appreciated it in the the true spirit of appreciation that it deserves.

I also realise one very hard truth.

Survival of the fittest. You are left behind if you are unable to keep up. Sooner or later, my dear.

Darwin was a smart man, eh?

He presented to the world the true nature of the Nature.

He was indeed a very smart man. The funniest thing is, though we were taught of this particular law of nature in the high school, the profoundness of it in our lives does not dawn upon us until it is lost in obscurity with the passing of time.

No, I don't point fingers at anyone, I am not at all bitter, or angry at friends who I hold responsible for leaving me out. I am just aware that everybody has a life, a set of constraints to abide by, and operate under, just because my life has halted and I am on a forced "sabbatical" doesn't mean it should be the case with others.

So the lesson learnt is, keep up, my good friend, progress, only then can you be truly happy.

The universe has its own rhythm and it is for us to tune into that, because infinitely powerful though we might be to affect our own lives, insignificant is what we are when trying to affect others because we think we are all important.

That's the lesson well learnt in this forced break.

Much appreciated, life!

Let it flow

Let it flow.

I have tried that before.

Never worked.

Restrain.

That doesn't work either.

Who suffers?

You do of course!

It is always you who is in the firing line.

WHY??

Because somebody has been very nice to you. 

As if it was only the somebody who had been nice! Wake up! You have been nice to that somebody too!

But no. In the popular circuit, you have been BRUTAL to that somebody. How can you be so cold hearted, my dear friend??

Don't you see that the somebody was sweet to you?

You know that the somebody has been sweet to you.

But that you too have been sweet to that somebody, do they know?

More importantly, do they care??

They don't!

They never do.

The journey might take you from X to Y location, the face of the somebody might change too, but the scenario never changes.

You want to communicate.

But you cannot. I mean you are still looking for that ideal communication skill that would convey the message without being rude/funny and most importantly without you sounding like an idiot.

This life is repetitive to some extent.

The problem doesn't change, it just grows bigger each time.

This girl has gone nuts, all pessimistic she is! That's what you are thinking now. 

Well, I am just saying that if you are a girl who cannot quite make up her mind or worse still has ever studied Economics, you must have been subjected to this kind of dilemma. At least once in your lifetime till date.

However if you have faced this dilemma and have successfully come out of it, then please let me know how to come out of this labyrinth of human relations without hurting others or being hurt yourself.

PS: I am NOT drunk or out of my mind.

PPS: take a look at this link.

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2862#comic

A year of firsts, is it?

This is my first post in this new year!

And that reminds me that this month's been a month of firsts..

without internet connection for more than 10 days in more than 10 years now.

that's definitely a big first!

gotten to act as the chowkidar of St. Stephen's College for almost 20 mins..

that's another first!

shared my experience in the Zaddenkai

that's a first!

gotten bored with parties.

another first!

but the biggest first of my life is yet to be shared..

shall do in my next post

hint:

looks like the journey from Calcutta for the time being is extended to Delhi NCR.. longer halt than was expected..

shall resume as and when the the signal turns green..

shall explain in a few days ;)