ফিরে দেখা

হয়তো এই blog টার নাম টা পাল্টানো উচিৎ এবার। ঠিক জানি না যায় কিনা।

জীবনের একটা বড় সময় আমি কলকাতা আর দিল্লী গুরগাঁও এ কাটিয়েছি। adult life ta mainly NCR ei কাটিয়েছি এখনও অবধি। ২০২০-২২ টা একটা blip মাত্র। পড়ে পাওয়া চোদ্দো আনা।

জানি না নিউ ইয়র্কে কতদিন থাকব। ভালই লাগছে এখনও পর্যন্ত। এখানে একা থাকাটা একটা luxury। It is in fact very expensive to live by oneself here but the experience is unparalleled. 

বাড়ির কথা মনে পড়ে না তা নয় but I've been so caught up in settling in to this life that I have barely had any time to reflect . 

তাহলে হঠাৎ আজ কেন? আজ আমার passport renew হয়ে এলো। প্রথম shock হল কত গোল লাগছে এই edition এ! Body image crisis কে for a second সরিয়ে রেখে অন্য details গুলো check করলাম। নাম, place of birth, place of Issuance ইত্যাদি।

New York পড়ে ভালো লাগলো। Place of Issuance.. দশ বছর আগের ছিপছিপে মেয়েটা ভাবেনি যে দশ বছর পর এরকম গোল গাল নিয়ে New York City তে বসে passport renew করাবে।

Well, you win some, You lose some. Though to be honest এই ক্ষেত্রে I won some AND I gained some, I think it's okay. 2022 has been that kind of a year. 

যাই হোক, মারাত্মক erratic এখানকার weather . রোজ weather app দেখে dress up করতে হয়। নতুন হ্যাপা! Anyway, as life chugs along, and I'm settling in, I'm appreciating the journey that I have taken till here. Matter of fact, this weather had me reminiscing about the beautiful Goa life that I was living a year ago. এবছর কোথাও গেলাম না year end এ। তাই গোয়ার কথা ভাবছি।

Class 6 এ Teachers' Day তে নেচেছিলাম এই গান টা তে।

As always কবিগুরু রবীন্দ্রনাথের মতো ভালো আর কেই বা ব্যক্ত করেছেন?

"কোথাও আমার হারিয়ে যাওয়া নেই মানা, মনে মনে

মেলে দিলেম গানের সুরে এই ডানা, মনে মনে"

রাত জাগা গান

বহুদিন পর লিখতে বসলাম।

তাও আবার বাংলায়, ভাবা যায়?!

Never-ending pandemic এর মধ্যে জীবন অনেক পাল্টে গেছে।

Work from home নিয়ে বেঁচে থাকা আর নেটফ্লিক্স এর নেশায় ভুলে যাওয়া সেই blog আজ কেনো মনে পড়ল?

মাহতিম শাকিব এর গান শুনলাম প্রথমবার।

মধু ঝরা ওর গলা। Honestly, কোনোদিন কারো সম্পর্কে এরকম বলবো ভাবিনি।

কেমন যেন হঠাৎ সেই hopeless romantic college girlটা মনের মধ্যে জেগে উঠল।

ভালো লাগলো, খুব।

এরকম যে এখনও অনুভব করতে পারি ভুলে গেছিলাম। As if একটা lost part খুঁজে পেলাম।

 হয়ত কিছুটা মাহতিম এর আওয়াজ, হয়ত কিছুটা এই শহরের হাওয়া, আর বাকিটা the fact that অনেকদিন পরে নিশ্চিন্তে নিজেকে নিয়ে বসতে পারলাম।

Eitherway, it feels good to get back in touch with the not-so-practical, carefree 20 year-old. One who'd walk aimlessly in the rain, endlessly exploring the old city and truly feel at home.

May be that's what it is.

It's truly been a very long time since I last truly felt at home. Even when I've been at home.

I guess, listening to Mahtim's beautiful voice feels like that.

Home.

I wish I could thank him in person.

The song that stirred my soul

একা ছিলাম যখন এই ছবিটা তুলেছিলাম - a reminder that, this song need not be interpreted only through the narrow lens of romantic relationship with a significant other.

Rather, নিজের company টা cherish করা is an art, এবং এই গান টা সেই perspective এও দেখা যায়।  কিংবা as a pursuit of higher knowledge.  

The possibilities are endless.

Her

I have walked many miles to make the journey within self.

When oxygen was thin and I felt breathless I wondered why I came this far.

All the madness of my city life seemed too far to be real.

I hated it.

I loved it.

I met so many different people that I didn't think that I will have a moment's quiet!

But I did.
_____

And I found you.

So close. So near.

And oh, so fresh.

I remembered how much I missed laughing out loud!

Remembered how much I have done in my life and that it is alright to not have done more.

I remembered my worth.

I even remembered to value myself.

I won over my own weaknesses.
___

I encountered you intimately, like never before.

You were there. You were not there.

When the blizzard was biting into my skin.

When my breath was so jagged that I didn't know if I  can take the next step.

When I met with the Kanchenjunga for the first time.

I encountered you. Intimately. Like never before.

___

Where exactly were you hiding all this while?

I asked.

You said, I am but a reflection of all that you are capable of.

A woman who can stand her own ground.

One who owns her life.

One who wins over her fear and anxiety and all the doubts that gnaw at her spirit.

One who can deal with unreasonable clients with ease.

One who can start a task and finish it too.

One who follows through her new year resolutions.

And possibly who exercises daily!

_____

As I came back to the grind of the city life I miss you again.

You're complete, however.

With all your imperfections and your shortcomings.

Your mistakes and your misgivings.

I long to be someone like you.

You - who knows who she is and who lives to be free.

Within

Have you looked within yet?

Or are you afraid of what you will find when you look there?

All the calm madness that tears you apart and all the screaming silence that stabs at your heart.

What will you do? Make up your mind.

Don't be a coward, it's time to face your demons.

Now and later

Now is difficult.

Later should be fine.

Do not lose heart.

Don't fall apart.

Please, be patient.
Let time do its job.

Coz even though, now is difficult.
Later should be fine.

Soon

Where are you headed?

When will you be back?

Let's talk sometime.

"Soon."

And he faded in the dark.

Bridges burn

Bridges burn.
They keep getting burned down
It is but inevitable.

Do not blame yourself alone, for all that happened
Remember that it is not all your responsibility
For you are not Atlas and you do not owe anything to anyone

Bridges keep getting burned down
Do not worry
Tomorrow you shall build more
It is but inevitable
So keep moving forward and please do not bemoan.